My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”