My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
March 16
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Bear
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.