My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Fixed this for Shakespeare
