Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Quarantine]

Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.

Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?

Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

philosophical skeletons be like

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

The future is now.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

this is 10/10 content no notes

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.