My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
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Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting