My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk