My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that