Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?