My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
You Might Also Like
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here