My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
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Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Pretty much! 😂👀
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
What?
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.