Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

The game has officially changed 😎

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.