My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
You Might Also Like
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
RT if you could go either way.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
😏😏😏
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.