My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
why no one uses midhusbands
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
There’s only one good girl here!
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.