My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
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Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
somebody come look at this
