Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”