Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”

Breaking news:

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.