My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
