My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”