My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
how to have an accident 101
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Generation gap…