Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider