My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
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my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.