Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.