My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”