My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Rare photo of two submarines racing
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.