My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
You Might Also Like
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.