Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I put the h in mysterious.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Twitter remains undefeated

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

oh my god