Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

I have obtained a hat

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.