My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
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*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.