My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
when there are deer in the woods
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
fixed it
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut