My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Guilty! 🤪
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being