My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Not even remotely sorry.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China