My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You Might Also Like
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I have obtained a hat
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
😂😂
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.