My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.