My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
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hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
[montage of me giving-up]
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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