Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

good news everyone

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

based al yankovic

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

A Match(.com), but for socks.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…