My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?