My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
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My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change