My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED