My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.