My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
(yawn)
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Are we there yet?…
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT