My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”