My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
With this onion ring, I thee fed
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face