My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
groan^2
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.