My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
shakira sharkira
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that