My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
CRYING
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
My work here is don’t.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Perfection.
