Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Wasps: bees, but not helping

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”