Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet