My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right