my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.