My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.