My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
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thinking about a very short hotdog
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk