My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting