My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
SCARY COSTUME
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
