Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)