My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
You Might Also Like
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.