My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

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I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby


*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.


*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother


Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.


If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”

I will magically appear.


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?