I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.
If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”
I will magically appear.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ???????? ??????????? ????????
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.