My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Buck naked
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running