My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.