My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
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And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
favorite tropes as memes
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Google assistant rules
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
