My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
What flavor cupcake are these
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.