My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
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Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*