My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
10/10 no notes
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.