My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My inexpensive home security system…
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
