My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
