My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You Might Also Like
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.