Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people