Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.