My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
fair
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.