My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
This is not me but this is me
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively