My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Tier 3 meme
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail