My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
What kind of a cult is this?
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches