Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.