Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.