My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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Dammit Chief not again
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.