My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Dune (2021)
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Facebook marketplace is a different world
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write