My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
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Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.