Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.